Category: Journal

L’appel du vide (French for “the call of the void”)

January 1st, 2026

Starting a new year has always drawn me to begin new unsustainable habits. This year (2026) is no different. Here, afresh, I have the false hope that I will write more, read more, work out more, think more, be more, etc.

Don’t be confused, I’m not without hope. In fact, it is now that my hope is at its highest crest. The blank canvas of 364 calendar pages is a kind of “full gas tank” to speed me towards amazing imaginary future destinations.

But at the age of 51, I know myself too well. Have been here too often. And I know the “miles per gallon” I have achieved in the past won’t take me all that far.

Abraham of the bible, in his journey from Ur to Canaan and Egypt, covered thousands of miles over many years.

Abraham Lincoln in 1861 alone, travelled nearly 2,000-mile on a 13-day train ride through seven states (IL, IN, OH, PA, NY, NJ, MD) to D.C.

Counting airplane trips, I’m sure I’ve travelled further than both Abrahams combined… but distance travelled geographically isn’t the same as distance travelled internally.

So this year, I want to idle more, burn some of that fuel tank just taxiing on the runway. I want to make sure I’ve got my internal bearings before heading down the runway.

A reoccurring motif in what I’ve been reading and hearing lately has to do with an abyss. An internal hole that can’t be filled.

“If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

“There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is so enormous and your angst so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.” -Henri Nouwen

As I’ve thought about my own abyss, two images that come to mind.

The first image is of a colander, a bowl filled with holes, and my hands around the holes, desperately trying to keep the water in the bowl. In this picture, my heart is the colander and the water flowing through the holes is my happiness, my energy, my love, my everything and I can’t keep it in the bowl. So instead of trying to hold the bowl’s holes shut, I distract myself.

The other image of an abyss is more menacing and terrifying:

A singularity is the theoretical center of a black hole, a point where mass is crushed to infinite density and zero volume, causing gravity and spacetime curvature to become infinite, and where our current laws of physics (General Relativity) break down.

Do you have pain like this in your life? Where the current understanding of life breaks down and makes no sense? A point of infinite emotional density, zero empathy, no up or down, just endless freefall into nothing?

It’s awesome (in the old meaning of the word) and terrible to behold.

How can I stop the water from flowing out of my colander heart? How can I tiptoe to the edge of something that engulfs even light rays and peer into it’s utter darkness?

Carefully. Slowly. Deliberately. With great caution. With assistance at times.

I step towards the edge and feel the woozy “L’appel du vide”… the call of the void… the fleeting feeling of an urge to do something dangerous or self-destructive.

And each time I approach, observe and safely retreat from this terrifying edge of all my pain, I am stronger for the journey.

As Henri Nouwen writes, “Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish is so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.”

Instead he writes: “You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.“

So for my 2026, I will not be burning up my full gas tank of 364 days by running from the void, or aiming directly into it’s self-destructive center. Instead I will take a circuitous route.

It will not be the most direct path toward or away from my pain. I will circle it, slowly… indirectly… observing it, poking it, touching it, healing it.

And I hope the wound(s) will become smaller and smaller with each circumnavigation of the abyss. And I hope the same for you in this new year.
August 26, 2023 – Nest Poem (a reflection on my young adult sons)

August 27th, 2023

Do birds return to their old nest?

And stand upon the twiggy crest,

To gaze at what once seemed so high

When their little wings could not fly.

How small their nest world once was,

Stranded in a tree, far above,

The dizzying heights being up so tall

And certain death from clumsy fall.

But now with wings mature and fully spread,

They leave their feathery, twiggy bed

And soar to new heights, explore the sky

Upon the dizzying heights, now they fly!

And mastering this empire of air,

Where gravity is no longer a care,

They return to humble twiggy nest,

Remembering this was all just a test.

For those who learn and leap and dare,

Will leave their nest for the empire of air,

And no one can ever clip your wings,

once from the nest you bravely spring!

So if you return to small twiggy hovel,

Tired from all your global travels,

And wonder how it all started here,

It’s because you chose flight over fear
February 11, 2023

February 11th, 2023
Passion – Patient – Addiction – Freedom

Reading James 4:1-10, I saw the word “passion” appear several times. From the Late Latin “passio-” meaning suffering, it may have come from earlier Latin “pati-” meaning to suffer, where perhaps we also get the word “patient” also possibly from the Greek “pema” meaning suffering.

So a patient is one who suffers. One who is suffering must have patience… the ability to withstand or endure the suffering. But how does this connect to passion?

James 4:1-10 says that our passions are at war within us and this war causes fights amongst us. These passions and desires for things we don’t have cause us to murder, fight, quarrel and covet.

These passions seem to lead to suffering! People talk about a “passion project” and they typically mean it in the context of a hobby or personal undertaking that COSTS them a lot of time, money… or said another way, pain.

The pain of the passion project is what oddly validates our love for it, no?

In an article by Edward T. Welch called Motives: Why Do I Do the Things I Do, he writes, “Addicts may be enslaved, but, at some level, they volunteer to be.”

Just like the person with the passion project… they have chosen this pain, this extreme investment of their OWN choosing. It was not required by their employment and their immediate family may not understanding the drive behind the passion project.

The passion… the voluntary suffering… the voluntary addiction… for selfish pursuits. This is what James is referring to as what causes quarrels, fights, coveting, murder.

Other quotes from the Edward T. Welch Motives article that stood out to me were:
- “Here is a general principle: your attitude toward God will be revealed in your worst human relationship.”
- “…no one has to be taught idolatry: we figure it out all by ourselves.”
- “If you think about the things that have led to change in your life, you will probably find that people were usually the catalyst.”
This last point got me thinking as I have often seen this to be the case in life. For myself, getting married certainly led to changes. But having children? That really caused a lot of changes in myself as I realized the responsibility of being a provider, nurturer, guardian for these little lives.

Edward T. Welch goes on to write that “A growing knowledge of a spouse or friend leads us to acts of love.” Other people can become our passion. They can become what we patiently endure, expend time and treasure to help, and this process changes US in the process.

He wraps up the article discussing that while discovering and knowing our motives has value, our efforts should be primarily focused on knowing God, looking at Christ, growing in the knowledge of Him.

For some reason, I wondered about this… is our alone time spent with God in some sense “selfish”? Are we pursuing what’s good for us and neglecting our service, our passion, for other people?

But God did say things like love your neighbor AS you love yourself.

In Ephesians 5, the discussion of the relationship of marriage, Paul writes “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”

So there seems to be an interesting dichotomy between our inward focus on our own relationship with God and our outward focus on our relationships with other people.

The analogy from the airline flight attendant who describes that in case of an emergency, you must first put on your own mask before helping the passenger (even a child) next to you comes to mind.

God is our oxygen. If we are using all of our time on our own special passion projects or if we don’t spend ANY time ingesting His air into our needy lungs, our empty brains, our cold hearts… how then will we have any energy for those in our own household, let alone the wider world?!

A different book I’m reading, GenX Religion by Richard W. Flory and Donald E. Miller, which is specific to how my generation (anyone born from 1965 to 1980) has grown to consider religion, illustrates this exact point:

“Xers are not afraid of the truth, nor are they fooled into thinking they can change the world. They have by and large given up on large-scale utopian schemes and are working for practical change in their own lives, those of a few close friends, and, when feeling expansive, that of their neighborhood. Thus there exists a duality within their mentality: the coexistence of harsh realty and a desire and hope for better days. They respect people who live below the hype of expectations. Indeed, this is a cynical generation, but it is this way because it wants something more from relationship and people in authority.”

I posit that those in their mid/late 40’s and early 50’s are looking for change in their own lives, and often that is motivated from a desire to be more useful in the lives of those they love.

Also much effort is spent in counseling, thinking, scrolling to simply feel good about one’s self. In the case of overcoming trauma during formative years, this is completely healthy and understandable.

But in all forms of self-improvement is the danger of focusing too much on our own passion… to forever remain a “patient” and not become a “wounded healer” as the saying goes.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom”

Why?

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.”

That’s why. The laughter of our shallow social media habits… the joy of our personal passion projects (my comic books included) cannot be a substitute, cannot become or remain an idol, that keeps us from drawing near to God.

Our dirty hands and double-minded brains will keep us from coming to Him.
Our dirty hands can’t reach the oxygen of His truth… we won’t single-mindedly focus on true LOVE OF OURSELVES in the sense that we want to be ABLE to LOVE OUR SPOUSE or child, or someone in our household, or… if we’re feeling expansive, someone in our neighborhood.

To look to God, to humble ourselves, is, in a sense, the best thing we can do for ourselves and positions us for usefulness in the disasters that befall the passengers next to us on this long flight we are all on together.
January 2, 2023

January 2nd, 2023

Monday – Posted on LinkedIn that 2023 will be the year of human connection.

Every day is full of numerous human touch points. There is some unnameable joy in helping a stranger with no future ties or immediate remuneration. How many times have you helped someone and not realized that their journey may be more important than yours.

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matt.25.34,Matt.25.36,Matt.25.37,Matt.25.38,Matt.25.39,Matt.25.40,Matt.25.35&version=ESV
January 1, 2023

January 1st, 2023

Happy new year!

Sunday – Breakfast at home, travel to hospital to spend time with my father in law who is recovering from a fall. Lunch in the hospital cafeteria. Started “People Buy You” by Jeb Blount.

Watched and shared a YouTube interview with Keith Green. On the topic of young people thinking they can ride into Christianity on their parent’s coattails, Keith said “God doesn’t have any grand children.” Also Keith Green called Jesus “the world’s oldest living Jew.”

Also he said that he knew Jesus was real when it changed him! That was the miracle that proved it to Keith. And that the happiness he found when he turned Jesus has lasted when nothing else has.

Came across this link with an interesting “annual report” for starting a new year:

https://fsmisc.s3.ca-central-1.amazonaws.com/2022+AR.pdf

Eager for the start of the new year and to get back into sales activity. Also want to be more physically active. Since my visiting time in the hospital, my own desire to be healthier has increased!

On another topic, I seem to notice my own “depth” waxes and wanes throughout a day. I have thoughts that seem deeper or of more significance and then time passes and I can’t remember those thoughts again or feel their initial importance anymore. If I quickly take a note in the middle of the “deeper” moments, I can sometimes revisit that specific thought and recapture some granule of the importance I felt the thought deserved.

An example is that it has occurred to me several times that in doing things for those we love, that is love demonstrated. The thing itself isn’t important, except in its importance to the other. My daughter’s iPhone wasn’t unlocking for her, either by FaceID or her fingerprint. I asked her to remove the case and try again thinking the case may be ajar and depressing a side button. That didn’t work so I had her just turn it off and instructed her to turn it back on. I saw her moments later and asked if that worked and she said it did, almost as an afterthought… as if she had forgotten the interaction entirely.

So in caring for her real need (the phone won’t unlock) I was loving her and it is so banal, so pedestrian, so normal and not noteworthy. It’s buying the milk, dropping off an envelope at the post office that is out of the way, bringing something to my wife’s workplace that she forgot… it’s these countless little needs that we do for each other that isn’t “lovey-dovey” but actual practical needs that we serve each other with that demonstrates love.

Combining that practical method of caring for needs with this thought: humans desire to learn (and be lost) in the stories of others.

I think in my pride of individuality, I have wanted people to respect or listen to me for my own sake of existence.

But if loving others is serving them, then perhaps letting others interact with me “as a story” as in, they don’t need to know me, or understand all of me, but if just some portion of my service, my skills, my own stories can be of valve to them, then that’s perhaps the MOST effective way to express love.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.”
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1Cor.13.1,1Cor.13.3,1Cor.13.2&version=ESV

Category: Journal

L’appel du vide (French for “the call of the void”)

August 26, 2023 – Nest Poem (a reflection on my young adult sons)

February 11, 2023

January 2, 2023

January 1, 2023